BELOW are 101 of the most egregious Trump collaborators, ranked from worst to…well, to very worst. These are the men and women most responsible for enabling Trump, for helping him consolidate power. These are the dealmakers with the devil. These are the true enemies of We the People.
To be eligible for the list, the traitor has to be a U.S. citizen—so no Julian Assange, and no Russians. And Trump himself is not on the list, because you can’t collaborate with yourself.
The rankings are subjective, and are based on involvement in Trump/Russia as well as un-American activities and brazen greed, but I also gave weight to complicity in the botched pandemic response that has killed almost 200,000 Americans; blood on your hands is bad. Sadly, the list is not exhaustive.
An asterisk (*) indicates the individual has either been credibly accused or convicted of some form of sex crime. An omega (Ω) indicates the individual has been indicted and/or convicted of a crime; two omegas (Ω Ω) means a stay in the hoosegow.
Seb Gorka, analyst
One of many MAGA buffoons comically bereft of self-awareness.
Tiffany Ariana Trump
“Rich Kids of Instagram” alumna. The daughter he doesn’t want to fuck. Donald would rather spend time with his sixth child, VanCleef Arpels Trump.
Twice-divorced banshee. Paid by the Trump campaign to, basically, hang out with the president’s namesake son. You know, to escort him to events. What’s the word for that?
If you give your Super Bowl ring to Putin, at Trump’s command, you should not be allowed to call your football team the Patriots.
Trump’s ringer on the DC circuit. Federalist Society darling. Tried and failed to rehabilitate Mike Flynn.
Let this mendacious MAGA hair salon owner be a stand-in for all the ordinary Americans who spend every last second of their 15 minutes of fame boosting President Ministrokes.
Can of Goya beans
And now, the list:
101/ Kanye West, 2020 presidential candidate
My son’s favorite rapper was tens of millions in the red, only to suddenly be back in the black and also suddenly MAGA. Openly admitted being spoiler candidate. Meets regularly with Jared Kushner, ostensibly to discuss same. Mental health excuse only goes so far.
100/ Jill Stein, 2016 presidential candidate
Remember four years ago, when the 2016 spoiler candidate, Russia booster, and Putin dinner companion raked in all those donations to finance a recount? Whatever happened to all that money?
99/ Michael Caputo, spokesman
Health & Human Services mouthpiece enjoys the dubious distinction of having formally worked for both Putin and Trump—a traitor’s C.V.
98/ George Nader, businessman ΩΩ*
Disgusting pedophile—even other pedophiles are like, shit, this guy—was liaison between the Trump campaign and several foreign governments. Associate of Erik Prince, Steve Bannon, and other traitors.
97/ Rod Rosenstein, deputy attorney general
Looks like a weasel. Is. He gaveth Mueller, and tooketh Mueller away. Guys: if we’re still trying to figure out if he’s a white hat, that means he’s not a white hat.
96/ Rick Gates, former deputy of Paul Manafort Ω
Well and good that he cooperated with Mueller—but the reason his cooperation was so effective is because he was actively treasoning at the right hand of his capo, Paul Manafort.
95/ Dr. Deborah Birx, coronavirus task force response coordinator
Scarf doctor’s placation of Trump cost thousands of lives.
94/ Mike Huckabee, governor
There are jokes, there are dad jokes, there are Mike Huckabee jokes…and then there is Mike Huckabee, the biggest joke of all.
93/ Jerome Corsi, fiction writer
Roger Stone-adjacent conspiracy theory guy. Wrote a book on birtherism. Is all mixed up in the WikiLeaks business.
92/ Peter Navarro, Larry Kudlow, advisors [tie]
How can two members of the moneyed class be so wrong so often?
91/ Jacob Wohl, provocateur
Boy-band version of Chuck C. Johnson (see below). How he has not yet been arrested or defamation-sued to oblivion is good poll question, next time you find yourself in a hipster coffeeshop.
90/ Mark Esper, Defense
Former defense industry contractor, current yes-man, destroyer of military media. The Military Industrial Complex made flesh.
89/ Rex Tillerson, State
Putin “Order of Friendship” medalist. Began the process of gutting the State Department. Did as little as possible while “serving.” Compared to his successor at State, looks like Talleyrand.
88/ Alex Jones, performance artist
Wounded veteran of the Info Wars.
87/ Carter Page, campaign foreign policy adviser
The GOP claims the “Deep State” infringed on his rights by seeking FISA warrant to spy on him; everyone else points out that he was practically begging the Russians to make use of his services. His name’s all over the various reports—Steele, Mueller, Senate Intelligence. Ultimately, the guy’s a kook, but that doesn’t make him any less of a traitor.
86/ George Papadopoulos, campaign foreign policy adviser Ω
The drunken mouth that launched a thousand investigations. Have we yet determined which country he works for? Hint: not America.
85/ Chuck Grassley, Senator
I can’t decide if he’s willfully in the bag for Trump, or just flagrantly stupid.
84/ Dana Rohrabacher, Congressman
Former Congressman was so cozy with the Russians, even Kevin McCarthy thought he was on Moscow’s payroll. Hung out in London with Russian intelligence property Julian Assange.
83/ Keith Schiller, personal protection
Knows where the bodies are buried. For all we know, that may not even be a metaphor.
82/ Karen Pence, Second Lady
Wears the the pants in the family—the Pence pants, as it were—and thus shares the blame for the 180,000 dead.
81/ Glenn Greenwald, pundit
Move to call him “Ferradura,” because that’s Portuguese for “horseshoe.” Has been throwing water on Trump/Russia for four solid years. His media organ is nicknamed “The Putincept” for a reason.
80/ Pam Bondi, state Attorney General
Member of Trump’s legal team during impeachment. Took a 25 grand campaign donation from Trump; immediately scuttled the Trump U investigation in her state of Florida. As Rick says in Casablanca: “I don’t mind a parasite. I object to a cut-rate one.”
79/ Elliott Broidy, deputy finance chair
We haven’t even scratched the surface of what this miscreant’s been up to.
78/ Alan Dershowitz, criminal defense attorney *
What makes a man say to himself, “That guy over there? The most heinous, awful criminal that society has yet produced? I’m going to make sure he doesn’t go to prison!” He sunbathes nude at Martha’s Vineyard, but kept on his underpants on Epstein’s Island. No, really—Olga can confirm.
77/ Doug Collins, Congressman
Not to be confused with Doug Collins the basketball coach, who also hollers, but at refs, and not to muddy the waters on behalf of his mobbed-up overlord.
76/ Edward Snowden, double agent
Only this far down because his enabling of Trump is incidental to his broader espionage portfolio. Apart from all the other damning evidence, you can tell he’s working for the Russians because he wound up in Russia.
75/ Rick Scott, Governor
Florida knew he was a crook—Medicare fraud, specifically—but elected him anyway. I liked him better as the villain in Orphan Black.
74/ Jeanine Pirro, television personality
I don’t know where Judge Jeanine ends and the Cecily Strong impression of her begins…and yet there are apparently sentient, sober humans who take her shit-faced rants seriously.
On Memorial Day 2017, Trump visited Arlington National Cemetery, a short drive from the White House. He was accompanied on this visit by John Kelly, who was then the secretary of homeland security, and who would, a short time later, be named the White House chief of staff. The two men were set to visit Section 60, the 14-acre area of the cemetery that is the burial ground for those killed in America’s most recent wars. Kelly’s son Robert is buried in Section 60. A first lieutenant in the Marine Corps, Robert Kelly was killed in 2010 in Afghanistan. He was 29. Trump was meant, on this visit, to join John Kelly in paying respects at his son’s grave, and to comfort the families of other fallen service members. But according to sources with knowledge of this visit, Trump, while standing by Robert Kelly’s grave, turned directly to his father and said, “I don’t get it. What was in it for them?” Kelly (who declined to comment for this story) initially believed, people close to him said, that Trump was making a ham-handed reference to the selflessness of America’s all-volunteer force. But later he came to realize that Trump simply does not understand non-transactional life choices.
72/ Kirstjen Nielsen, Homeland Security
There are so many collaborators that the Aryan Nation-looking lady who put kids in cages is only #72.
71/ Kris Kobach, State Attorney General
Proponent of election fuckery. He doesn’t want you to vote.
70/ Marsha Blackburn, Senator
Her IQ is roughly equivalent to her rank on this list.
69/ Kelly Loeffler, Senator
Aging trophy wife installed in the Senate by election thief Brian Kemp to make Trump seem like less of a sexual predator. Attractive women who normalize Trump are especially valuable as propagandists.
68/ Kristi Noem, Governor
Gaslit South Dakotans in her job as governor; gaslit the country at the RNC.
67/ Steve Scalise, Congressman
The near-death experience has only made him worse.
66/ Brett Kavanaugh, Supreme Court Justice*
Traumatized every sexual assault survivor in the nation by not withdrawing from consideration. How his mysterious owners ultimately plan to utilize him remains to be seen.
65/ Jeff Sessions, Attorney General
First Senator to endorse Trump. Met with Russians on the campaign trail; perjured himself before the Senate when asked about it. Still racist af.
64/ Jason Chaffetz, Congressman
Deceitful woodland creature. Covered previously.
63/ Maggie Haberman, White House correspondent
”Reporter” for the New York Times. Trustwasher extraordinaire. Dutifully covers Joe’s gaffes while Rome burns.
62/ Marco Rubio, Senator
Animatronic Bible verse generator. Did for Volume 5 what Bill Barr did for the Mueller Report. Amoebas have stiffer spines.
61/ Elaine Chao, Transportation
Installing the wife of the Senate Majority Leader, whose family back in China owns one of the world’s largest shipping and logistics companies, to head the freakin’ Transportation Department is as conflict of interest-y as it gets.
60/ Susan Collins, Senator
A filthy tub of tepid bathwater.
59/ Kevin McCarthy, House Minority Leader
Keep it in the family, Kev-o. Covered previously.
58/ Matt Gaetz, Congressman
57/ Elise Stefanik, Congresswoman
Late to the party, but as Trump-drunk as the boys.
56/ Jim Jordan, Congressman *
Seditious shower lurker. The shape of his gerrymandered district resembles Rudy Giuliani’s prostate.
55/ Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House
Ayn Rand stan. Much more of a traitor than people seem to realize. Covered previously.
54/ Tom Cotton, Senator
That op-ed alone warrants his inclusion on this list.
53/ Ted Cruz, Senator
Politicians who were glibly anti-Trump, and then suddenly saw the light? Yeah, they didn’t see the light; they saw the kompromat file. I’ve heard tell of Cruz’s perverse peccadilloes, and if those rumors are true, then oh boy do they have him by the short hairs.
52/ Lindsey Graham, Senator
Hateful hostage. Covered previously.
51/ Rand Paul, Senator
Errand boy. John McCain accused him of working for Vladimir Putin. John McCain wasn’t lying.
50/ Rush Limbaugh, radio personality
Few Americans have done more damage to the republic than this porcine mound of bloviating vileness. I’m not saying he’s faking Stage IV lung cancer to garner sympathy, just that I wouldn’t be surprised if that turned out to be the case. He’s that bereft of human decency.
49/ Tucker Carlson, television personality
White supremacist. Daily Caller founder. In the summer months of quarantine, this Fox News shouting head broadcasts his propaganda program from a garage next to the public library in a small town in Maine—in case your 76-trombone, 110-cornet brass band is looking for a good place to rehearse.
48/ Laura Ingraham, television personality
The least overtly hateful of the Fox News lineup, and thus the most dangerous.
47/ Sean Hannity, television personality
Shadow adviser. His head has the shape and heft of a balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Like the balloon, it is full of hot air.
46/ Reince Priebus, Chief of Staff / RNC chair
45/ Michael Cohen, personal attorney ΩΩ
It’s nice that he had his road to Damascus moment, it’s nice that he cooperated a bit, it’s nice that he wrote his book, but he was instrumental in getting us into this mess, and a rat is a rat is a rat.
44/ Lara Trump, daughter-in-law
More effective, and more attractive, than Ivanka. I wonder if Donald insisted on exercising his droit du seigneur on her wedding night.
43/ Eric Trump, son
Stealing from a children’s cancer charity is not great. Will he respond to the subpoena? Will he flip on his father? Will his grown-up teeth come in?
42/ Melania Trump, third wife
Birther. Plagiarist. Rose Garden destroyer. Recipient of ill-deserved Einstein visa. Has threatened to sue anyone who calls her an escort or a prostitute, so I won’t do that, but are we allowed to say kurba?
41/ Hope Hicks, media director
Steamer of pants. Charmer of Habermans. Ignorer of subpoenas. Dater of abusive, shitty men.
40/ Don McGahn, White House counsel
Nephew of Philly mob attorney. Has made subpoena avoidance into a Beckett play.
39/ John Bolton, national security adviser
Swinger. Warmonger. Refused to testify. Instead, monetized his inside knowledge by producing a book; audaciously gave the book a title alluding to Hamilton; then, the greatest sin of all, made sure the book was paint-dryingly dull.
38/ Chad Wolf, acting secretary
Doing his best to foment another civil war. Which is what “boogaloo” refers to, by the by: Civil War 2, Electric Boogaloo. Holds his position unlawfully. Straight-up propagandist.
37/ Gordon Sondland, ambassador
Gave just enough in his testimony to avoid future perjury charge. Doesn’t he own hotels in Portland? I wonder if the Proud Boys get a discount rate.
36/ Rick Perry, Energy
The glasses didn’t make him smart enough to avoid getting mixed up in the Ukraine scandal.
35/ Betsy DeVos, Education
Math, Betsy-style: divide the country, add up the profits.
34/ Kayleigh McEnany, press secretary
Someone wearing a leggy cocktail dress to a press briefing, and that much makeup, with that elaborate a coiffure, should not criticize an octogenarian for getting a blow-out. I’m curious: does Kay-lie doff her mask before licking Trump’s ass?
33/ Ron DeSantis, Governor
Full-blown Trump acolyte did his Christian best during the pandemic to kill as many Floridians as possible.
32/ Dan Patrick, Deputy Governor; Gregg Abbott, Governor
Did their Christian best during the pandemic to kill as many Texans as possible. The former admitted that the sacrifice of the elderly was necessary to open the economy. The latter’s boneheaded response to Jade Helm convinced the Russians that yes, Americans are gullible enough to fall for Facebook psy-ops.
31/ Chuck C. Johnson
Millennial Roger Stone. Invisible to the naked eye, yet traces of him can be seen everywhere, as when a blacklight reveals the semen stains all over the peepshow’s Champagne Room.
30/ Corey Lewandowski, campaign chair
29/ Brian Kemp, Governor
As Secretary of State, rigged the Georgia gubernatorial election in his favor. Celebrated his “victory” by embracing Trump tactics during the pandemic, to up the covid body count.
28/ Louis DeJoy, businessman
Looks and sounds like a recurring character on The Sopranos, but I’m sure the late-term Trump appointee installed at USPS to break shit isn’t mobbed up at all.
27/ Mick Mulvaney, Chief of Staff
The Nazi from Raiders of the Lost Ark before his face got melted.
26/ Wilbur Ross, Commerce
The Nazi from Raiders of the Lost Ark after his face got melted.
25/ Ric Grinnell, acting DNI
24/ John Ratcliffe, DNI
Ministers of Russian Disinformation.
23/ Newt Gingrich, Speaker of the House
Early adopter of the obstructionist form of “governance,” which started the mess we’re now in. Staunch Trump apologist.
22/ Ron Johnson, Senator
Fourth of July traitor. Previously covered, in a piece in which I predicted that he would be activated by his Russian handlers closer to the election to help Trump—which is exactly what he’s now doing.
21/ Steve Mnuchin, Treasury secretary
Maybe he went to Fort Knox to see if he could find his soul?
20/ Sarah Huckabee Sanders, press secretary
Mistress of Propaganda. Rewarded for her lies by a Fox News sinecure. North Korean sex goddess, maybe?
19/ Stephen Miller, Nazi
I didn’t mind him as much when he was running his dead mother’s motel.
18/ Mark Burnett, television producer
Putin admirer and Trump trustwasher. Gave the world some of the most insipid, brain-destroying television ever created.
17/ Mike Pompeo, State
His surname suggests pomposity, and also a tectonic explosion that buries everything for miles around in volcanic ash. Some courtroom equivalent of the latter is coming for this avatar of the former.
16/ Devin Nunes, Congressman
Cow suer. Uber escapee. Parler boy. Could not have thrown more water on Trump/Russia if he was the Wonder Twin who could only form of water.
15/ Kellyanne Conway, advisor
Outlasted every non-Trump family member in the inner circle—but then, she’s kind of part of the Family, no? Only stepped down when her teenage daughter insisted. George will try, but she is beyond rehabilitation.
14/ Rudy Giuliani, attorney
Bile spewer. Nosferatu lookalike. 9/11 exploiter. Bragged about an “October surprise” that turned out to be the Comey letter. Was in the running to be Secretary of State, despite no qualifications, and suddenly withdrew. Ukraine dirt digger. Previously covered.
13/ Mike Pence, Vice President
He knew. Motherfucker knew. Botched a golden opportunity when Trump made him head of the coronavirus response team. Did nothing and watched it burn, like he did in Indiana with the HIV crisis.
12/ Donald Trump, Jr., son
Fuck-up. Slowly morphing into Ellis from Die Hard. His father’s campaign literally pays a grown woman to be seen with him. Twenty-twenty-one will be the Year of the Many Indictments for Junior.
11/ Ivanka Trump, daughter
Failing clothing line owner. Daughter of the president and object of his desire. Prime mover behind buttplug-shaped hotel in Baku, Azerbaijan, that was allegedly financed in part by an Azeri money lauderer with ties to Iran’s Revolutionary Guard. As plastic as her face.
10/ Mike Flynn, national security adviser Ω
Cut-rate traitor. Covered previously.
9/ Erik Prince, mercenary
Real-life Bond villain.
8/ Steve Bannon, campaign chair Ω
The LeCarre novel about him would be called The Man Who Wore Three Shirts. Cambridge Analytica principal. His fingerprints are all over the place, and now that he’s under indictment, he will flip like Nadia Comăneci.
7/ Roger Stone, advisor Ω
Convicted felon. Nexus of Trump/Russia. The commuted sentence is going to be challenged and overturned next year. Covered previously.
6/ Paul Manafort, campaign chair ΩΩ
Felon. That he is still treasoning from behind bars is a compelling argument for capital punishment.
5/ Mark Zuckerberg, social network CEO
Hoodie-wearing fraud. Facebook is Russian malware. You know what’s cool? A million dollars. You know what’s even cooler? A billion dollars with vodka-soaked strings attached.
4/ Rupert Murdoch, media mogul
Did not die on that accident aboard his son’s yacht, alas, so may yet live to see his ultimate dream fulfilled: the death of the republic.
3/ Bill Barr, Attorney General
Most dangerous man in America. Previously covered.
2/ Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader
No politician in my lifetime has done more to erode our democracy than Cocaine Mitch. Worst American since Robert E. Lee. This seditious piece of neo-Confederate dogshit a) refused to jointly condemn Russian election interference when Obama made the request in 2016, and b) refuses to allow a vote on a bill to safeguard the 2020 election from foreign interference. (I’m sure it has nothing to do with mega-oligarch Oleg Deripaska’s company building an aluminum plant in Kentucky.) Giving aid and comfort to an enemy is treason. That’s the high crime in which Addison Mitchell McConnell, Jr. is actively engaged.
1/ Jared Kushner, Acting President
Boy Plunder has broken so many laws, I’ve lost track. Some of them, like for example espionage, are traditionally punishable by death. As the pandemic raged, he shelved his own secret team’s plan, hoping for a Blue State Genocide. He’s an evil, evil fucker, with the political sensitivity of a Novocained glans penis, and he’s absolutely calling the shots.