34 Thoughts on 34 Felony Counts
Some musings on Donald Trump, already an adjudicated rapist, becoming a convicted felon.
1.
This was the first of what will be four Trump criminal trials. The charges in Manhattan were the least serious of the four, and his guilt the most difficult to show beyond reasonable doubt—but he still lost.
From here on out, the stakes get higher: the crimes he’s charged with become more egregious, and the chances of his conviction and incarceration exponentially increase.
2.
We are all collectively traumatized by the Rough Beast and his minions, so much so that it’s human nature to fear the worst: Will Trump get away with it? How will his angry followers respond? Will this galvanize GOP support for him?
But here is wisdom: There is no reality, none, in which being a convicted felon helps Donald Trump win the election.
3.
Trump’s got a criminal record now. Think of it as a Lifetime Achievement Award for having committed so many crimes without previously being indicted. He’s a convicted felon. The Republicans, the alleged “Law & Order” party, are running a convicted felon for president.
4.
Did I mention that Trump is a convicted felon? Because he’s a convicted felon. There is nothing normal about a major political party nominating a convicted felon for president, and the American people, for all our faults, are smart enough to know that—whatever Fox News says.
5.
We’ve had a convicted felon run for president before. In 1920, Eugene V. Debs, candidate of the Socialist Party of America, ran for office from prison; he’d been convicted of sedition and vowed to pardon himself if he triumphed. He got 914,191 votes—around three percent of the electorate. He did not come close to winning.
6.
Whether the aphorism was coined by Sextus Empiricus, Friedrich Von Logau, or Judge Wapner, it bears repeating: The wheels of Justice turn slowly, but they grind exceedingly fine. If Justice was ground any finer in this particular case, Trump would mistake it for Adderall and snort it.
7.
Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner both have dads who are convicted felons—just in time for Father’s Day!
8.
Neither Trump’s favorite daughter nor “hidden genius” son-in-law was at court to support him. But Ivanka did post a picture of her with her father when she was a toddler with the inscription “I love you, Dad.”
It was an Instagram “story,” so it erased itself.
9.
Melania wasn’t there, either. No support for her hubby at all. She’s like the anti-Martha-Ann Alito.
10.
Alvin Bragg, the Manhattan District Attorney, was extremely reluctant to pursue the charges against Donald Trump when he first took office. He took a lot of heat for this apparent cowardice, including from Yours Truly.
But he soon reversed course. Not only was Manhattan the first jurisdiction to indict the FPOTUS, but Bragg’s office was the first to return convictions.
Alvin Bragg hit his free throws. All 34 of them.
11.
There is a narrative building up steam—pipe dream for Republican voters, nightmare for Democrats—that an Old School GOP politician will swoop in, announce his or her eleventh hour candidacy, and save the day. I don’t see this happening.
Republicans have had numerous opportunities to excise the Trump tumor and take back their party, and have failed to do so. They could have consolidated around Liz Cheney—a woman, from a prominent GOP family, a generation younger than Trump, respected by Independents and many Democrats, who would beat Biden easily in November if she were the Republican candidate. Instead, creeper Matt Gaetz campaigned in Wyoming for her rival, and the party cast her out.
The first impeachment was another golden opportunity to move on from Trump; Mike Pence would have been president during the pandemic, things might have gone better, and he may well have beaten Biden in the 2020 election. Again, they stayed the course.
Why did they stick with Trump? They needed, and still need, the MAGA vote, and MAGA, like all cults, will not accept a change in leadership. They will vote for Dear Leader or they will stay home on Election Day.
12.
Nikki Haley, like all current GOP politicians, is a spineless poltroon. There is no cult of personality around her and never will be. She is not going to blow into Milwaukee like Venus on the clamshell and wow everyone at the RNC.
Changing horses midstream—especially these particular horses—would cost the Republicans a lot of votes. And they don’t have votes to spare.
No, the GOP is ride or die with the convicted felon and sexual predator.
13.
The Republicans who made the pilgrimage to New York to show support for their crooked overlord are all traitors, without exception. The Republicans who are making the rounds on the various news programs, suggesting the case was rigged, or that Biden was responsible, or whatever ridiculous, dangerous bullshit they feed the American people, are all traitors. In an era of traitors being easy to spot, the traitors have never been easier to spot.
14.
Trump apologist J.D. Vance is a fascist with long ties to Peter Thiel and the Dark Enlightenment movement. He wears so much rouge and eyeliner when he goes on TV, he looks like he’s about to take the stage as the King of Siam in a regional theater production of The King and I. Which makes sense, because he wants an American king.
15.
“What if Biden somehow pressured Kathy Hochul to pardon Trump?” a dumb person suggested.
That’s like asking, “What if they remade Casablanca with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez as Rick and Ilsa?” It’s a terrible idea and it’s never going to happen under any circumstances, so stop talking about it like it’s a serious proposal.
16.
The law should be the same for everyone, but Trump cannot and should not be remanded to a regular prison. The Secret Service would not allow it, plus the “Orange is the new orange” jokes would break the internet.
Creativity is indicated. I’m fine with establishing Mar-a-Lago as a sort of neo-Elba, where Trump can be alone with the guards and the support staff, wandering around aimlessly like Charles Foster Kane in search of his long-lost sled.
17.
Trump has a criminal record. For a real, actual crime. And the GOP is still going to nominate him. The party is morally and ethically bankrupt.
18.
In Rough Beast, I write extensively about how Trump has always surrounded himself with criminals. Because he has. Always. Because he is one himself and always has been.
I like how Colin Cowherd, a sports radio host who has never been particularly political, put it: “Donald Trump is now a felon. His campaign chairman was a felon. So is his deputy campaign manager, his personal lawyer, his chief strategist, his national security adviser, his trade advisor, his foreign policy advisor. . . they’re all felons.”
As I write in the book: Other than when he was joking around with the corrupt Russian diplomats in the Oval Office, has he ever looked as happy as he appeared in that video where he’s with Jeffrey Epstein, dancing?
19.
The sentencing is scheduled for July 11—and since the judge is not the corrupt Marco Rubio plant Aileen Cannon, I expect that the date will not be postponed to oblivion.
The Republican National Convention begins just four days later, in Milwaukee. It may be that Trump uses that platform to Bragg. . .err, brag. . .about a slap on the wrist. It may be that Judge Merchan prohibits him from talking about it publicly at all, as a condition of not receiving any jail time, and when he does, he is immediately arrested. It may be that he’s incarcerated and misses the whole show.
These outcomes are all very much in play.
20.
The Atlanta Hawks had a three percent chance of winning the lottery and nabbing the first pick in the 2024 NBA Draft—and they won. I’d put similar odds on the chances that Trump will be in the hoosegow during his party’s national convention. And the morally bankrupt Republicans are going to nominate him regardless.
21.
I find libertarians to be simplistic and doctrinaire, and the philosophy’s core principles selfish and cruel, but it sure was fun when Trump was booed and mocked at the Libertarian Convention—an IRL example of the old saw about broken clocks.
22.
Dutiful Eric—whose wife seems closer to Trump than he is to either her or his old man—was in the front row in the courtroom, and, reportedly, he cried.
Wah-wah, cry harder, Qusay.
23.
This is purely anecdotal, but there appears to be a yooge discrepancy between Trump’s media coverage status and his actual popularity. Put another way: the press seems to be more interested in him than voters are.
His events are not well attended. The MAGA horde did not descend upon Lower Manhattan, as Queens Mussolini surely wanted. The Ayn Randians booed him, as discussed. Trump rallies, including the one in the Bronx, have approached “Puppet Show & Spinal Tap” level. Maybe this breaks the fever? Maybe?
24.
Frank Sinatra was singing about Trump when he crooned, “It’s up to you, New York, New York!” And New York was like, “We got you, Frank.” Manhattan convicted Trump; Albany is going to seize some $450 million of his ill-gained assets. But he’ll always have Staten Island.
25.
There are going to be three more trials. Three. More. Trials. And even that hateful traitor Sam Alito can’t save Trump from what’s coming for him, no matter how many flags he his wife flies upside-down.
26.
The arm of the law is long. The fingers of the vulgarian are short.
27.
Stormy Daniels was screwed over by her first lawyer, the disgraced thug Michael Avenatti. She lost her defamation case against Trump, and thus had to cover his legal fees. Her name will forever be linked to his; she’s had to keep re-living this ugly experience for many years now. And based on her own description of her ill-fated night with Donald, she was coerced into having sex with him. That she stars in adult films does not make what Trump did to her any less awful.
This wasn’t some flirty, fun encounter that she was paid to keep on the QT. This was, in my opinion, a sexual violation in the same neighborhood as rape. If that story came out in October 2016, in the wake of the Access Hollywood tape, it would have cost him the election. So, yes, this was a legitimate crime that Trump is guilty of.
28.
Never forget that after Michael Cohen was frozen out of Trump’s inner circle, Jared Kushner became the liaison between Trumpland and David Pecker.
29.
Forty-five men have served as President of the United States (Biden is no. 46 because Grover Cleveland served non-consecutive terms). Trump is the only one to be indicted and the only one to be convicted.
30.
Trump’s demeanor shifted.
He had seemed jovial, chatting with attorney Todd Blanche before news of the verdict. After the announcement, he sat as he had through much of the trial, motionless, a little slumped in his seat, facing straight ahead. . .
“Mr. Foreperson,” [Judge] Merchan said, his voice seeming to waver slightly, “without telling me the verdict, has the jury, in fact, reached a verdict?”
“Yes, they have,” he said.
Eric Trump could be seen briefly shaking his head.
“Take the verdict, please,” Merchan said to the court’s clerk, who asked the foreperson to rise.
He stood, leaning his left arm on a banister as his right hand held a microphone.
“How say you to the first count of the indictment, charging Donald J. Trump with the crime of falsifying business records in the first degree, guilty or not guilty?” the clerk asked.
“Guilty."
“How say you to count two?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count three?"
“Guilty."
Trump’s eyes appeared to close, and his head shook slightly, lips pursed and eyes downcast.
Each count corresponds with a different check, invoice or voucher falsified at Trump’s behest, to cover up a conspiracy to influence the 2016 election through unlawful means. So after the third count, it was hard to imagine any of the remaining 31 being “not guilty." Still, he had to sit and listen.
“How say you to count four?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count five?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count six?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count seven?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count eight?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count nine?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 10?"
“Guilty."
As the foreman read, a number of the jurors kept their eyes down.
“How say you to count 11?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 12?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 13?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 14?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 15?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 16?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 17?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 18?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 19?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 20?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 21?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 22?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 23?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 24?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 25?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 26?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 27?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 28?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 29?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 30?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 31?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 32?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 33?"
“Guilty."
“How say you to count 34?”
“Guilty."
That’s some mighty fine writing.
31.
When the Mueller Report dropped in April of 2019, my first reaction after skimming through it was, “Well, he can’t run for president again. Not after this.”
But the craven GOP ran him anyway. And he lost. It feels like much the same thing will happen here, now that Trump is a convicted felon.
32.
Another possibility that is not completely off the table: Trump will flee. He will get advance warning that he’s going to get jail time, so he’ll get on a plane and fly off to Dubai or Abu Dhabi or St. Petersburg or Pyongyang, and that will be that.
I don’t think that will happen, because he’s too much of a homebody—LB and I have a bet about this, in fact—but there’s a non-zero chance that he runs away.
33.
Despite the GOP’s indignant declarations to the contrary, independents and non-MAGA Republicans are turning on Trump.
34.
In the words of Corey Lewandowski: Womp womp.
Photo credit: Covers of the New York Times and Wall Street Journal the morning after the verdict.
I like 30 the best, guilty x34, but this is a close second- ‘12. Nikki Haley, like all current GOP politicians, is a spineless poltroon. There is no cult of personality around her and never will be. She is not going to blow into Milwaukee like Venus on the clamshell and wow everyone at the RNC.’ Venus on the clamshell 😂
I joined today to comment on this 34 point epic column. Thank you, sir! You lifted my spirits today. I have literally talked myself in to the insane notion that the Supreme Court will install Trump next January 20 no matter what happens in November. In looking at their action in the 14th Amendment case and now the immunity case, and the morally bankrupt conduct of Alito, Thomas, Roberts, etc., I feel I have some rational basis for my fear.
Thanks for these 34 theses today. Outstanding work!! You are helping calm my fears and I thank you for that. You have helped me again see we are not the crazy ones. It is Trump, Cruz, Vance, Rubio and all the rest who need to be in a mental health facility. Thank you!!!
I bought both of your books today, based on the brilliance of this “34” column.