A Poem for Election Day 2024

Forty-seven lines of iambic pentameter for the (knock wood) soon-to-be 47th President

Well, we made it: not only is it Election Day, but it’s also—yes!—the last day of Trump’s final presidential campaign. Like mercy, we are twice blest. Halle-fucking-lujah.

I’ve been writing about the Mussolini of Queens and his Kremlin whoremaster since January of 2017: first on my old blog at Medium, then in my 2018 book Dirty Rubles, and, for five full years this week(!), here at PREVAIL. There are over 150 episodes of me talking to experts on my podcast, dating back to February 2021. I’ve spent almost every Friday night for two and a half years doing a live show with my dear friend Stephanie Koff. And earlier this year, I published Rough Beast, as an appeal to anyone who was considering voting for Donald Sr.

So my feelings about Trump, and Putin, and democracy, and Kamala Harris—who I fervently supported in the Democratic primaries in 2019—are no mystery. I’m an open book. Two open books, actually. Nothing I can say this Election Day will convince anyone on the fence to vote for VP Harris and not the rapist who spent the dying days of his campaign openly fantasizing about doing violence to women and demonstrating the fellatio technique he may well have used on his best friend Jeffrey Epstein. If you still look at Donald Sr. and see strength, pride, decency, and honor, I will never be able to convince you otherwise. As my friend Duke Haney wrote on Facebook to some MAGA idiot after the 2016 election: “Enjoy your king.” Although if Trump somehow wins this time, we’re going to get President Couchfucker by Valentine’s Day.

No matter the result today—I made the case for a resounding Harris victory last Friday, and nothing between now and then has changed my mind—I would like to thank you, Dear Reader, for supporting my work; sharing my passion for truth and justice; nurturing such a robust, smart, funny, kind, and hopeful PREVAIL community; and keeping up my spirits in moments of darkness. Much appreciation and love to you.

Even with the VP in the White House come January, there is still a lot of work to be done, and I intend to keep doing it.

But not today.

For today, I’ve written a poem. Specifically, I’ve written 47 lines of iambic pentameter, for our (knock wood) soon-to-be 47th president. You can play the audio clip at the top of the page, if you’d like to hear me speak this into existence.

Thanks for indulging me!

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Election Day 2024

Rejoice, good friends, rejoice: the end is here!
Our joy and hope have beaten back their fear!
The show we watched for years is off the air,
And Kamala has saved us from despair!

Today it’s not just Trump who goes away,
We also bid adieu to RFK,
To Roger Stone, to Flynn, to Alex Jones,
To contacts saved on Giuliani’s phones,

To Kash Patel, to Bannon and Posobiec,
To ugly TV spots that are transphobic,
To “Let’s Go Brandon” flags and MAGA hats,
To dolled-up Mar-a-Lago Karen brats,

To pundits who did run afoul of FARA,
To Vanky, Jared, Junior, Kim, and Lara,
Alina Habba, Laura Loomer, Eric—
If only we could fire Judge Kacsmaryk!

To Corey Lewandowski, lady killer;
To Kellyanne Conway and Stephen Miller,
Melania, JD Vance, and Pete Navarro—
These names we won’t remember by tomorrow.

Like Patrick Byrne, who just fled to Dubai,
To Moscow Tucker Carlson will fly,
And join Ed Snowden there, and Tara Reid—
To traitors who defect, we say, “Godspeed!”

Despotic Project 2025
Has fallen to the swarm of the KHive,
And if down-ballot candidates do lose,
We will at long last be rid of Ted Cruz!

Farewell to all the bullying and lies,
Farewell to Trump’s obsession with dick size,
Farewell to him cavorting with Elon,
To all of this and more, we say: “Be gone!

“No more hate-rallies on the campaign trail—
Go now to Venezuela or to jail!”
Pronounce damnatio memoriae—
All traces of the monster scrub away,

Un-name the tower on Fifth Avenue,
Make him repay all of his debt that’s due,
Confine him to a cell alone, and then—
We’ll never, ever speak his name again.

Friends, raise your mugs brim-full of MAGA tears,
(Remember—they put Kotex on their ears!)
And drink to our relief and jubilation—
And then prepare for her inauguration!

Soon, Kamala will fly on Air Force One!
America’s new chapter has begun!
Rejoice, good friends, rejoice, for we have won!

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PROGRAMMING NOTES

Tomorrow, I’m recording a special Election Day episode of the podcast. Also tomorrow, LB and I are having our first-ever Wednesday show:

On Friday night, we will have a “member’s only” episode of The Five 8.

And then, on Sunday November 10th, we will hold our first Five 8 live event, at KGB in NYC. There’s limited capacity, and it’s filling up, so get your tickets today:

Eat your Wheaties, do your yoga, spin some relaxing music, have a cocktail or a gummy, and as you watch the returns, resist the urge to jump through the TV screen to pummel the smug news anchors. We’ve waited a long time for this day, and this day is going to take a long time. But in the end. . .

We shall prevail!

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Photo credit: Gage Skidmore. Vice President of the United States Kamala Harris speaking at a campaign rally at Desert Diamond Arena in Glendale, Arizona, August 9, 2024.