Alternative Con: What If Everyone at the RNC Told the Naked Truth?

A transcript of the "Liar, Liar" Republican National Convention we'd love to see.

IF EVERYONE at the Republican National Convention were bound by some Jim Carrey-in-Liar, Liar-like magic spell and could only tell the truth during the various speeches, the event would sound a little like this:

Host

I am host, Sergei Kislyak. You know me because, as Russian ambassador to the United States, I met many times with associates of Donald Trumpov. That’s what we call him in Moscow—Trumpov. Funny, yes?

Democrats have as convention host pretend ace scandal fixer Olivia Pope, and also pretend bad “veep” Selina Meyer Lansky. We have real-life Russian spymaster who ran entire 2016 election operation—me!

And you are in luck, people of America. My boss, Mr. Putin, in his infinite wisdom, has ordered that all speakers tonight must speak whole truth, entire truth, and nothing but truth, or else get polonium in Starbucks Caramel Macchiato. He thinks Americans so gullible, will re-elect illiterate mobster Russian puppet moron anyway.

First up on Zoom screen is consort of short-fingered orangutan:

First Lady Melania Trump

Who chopped down the cherry tree? I cannot tell a lie, that was me! I also chopped down all rose bushes, so now Rose Garden looks like corporate office park. America, you are welcome!

Now, truth: I came to this country illegally. I was beneficiary of Einstein visa, but that is silly talk no one believe. I’m just pretty girl from Slovenia who…I’d rather not say what I did to get here, especially since I threatened to sue anyone who uses words like escort, and I’m not sure if I can self-sue. Let’s just say calling me First Lady is…how you say?...ironing.

I am sorry for the fraud I perpetrated on the American people, but if it make you feel better, I hate The Donald even more than you do. I jealous of Michelle Obama, and also of Justin Trudeau’s wife. Make great America again!

Thank god for Luka Dončić, now I am no longer most famous Slovenian-American. Go Mavs!

Donald Trump. Jr.

My mouth is really small. It looks like a puckered-up asshole. This beard isn’t doing me any favors, but Kimberly says beards are in style now, and it makes me look a little like Ellis from Die Hard. He did coke, too!

Kimberly is my ladyfriend, and my father’s campaign—that is, you lovely people—is paying her an ungodly sum of money every month for her work, which mostly involves…but hey, I’m a gentleman, and it’s not cool to kiss and tell. Anyway, I’m sure I could find a girlfriend on my own, but Papa Vlad said he doesn’t want to risk it.

Yeah, so okay, fine, I did a lot of illegal shit. The whole Trump Tower meeting? When I met with a bunch of Putin operatives and the British tabloid guy, expressly to get dirt on Hillary Clinton? That was totally against the law! The only reason Bob Mueller didn’t indict me is because he felt I was too stupid to understand that I was engaging in criminal behavior. No argument here! Hashtag winning!

I was also heavily involved in all the shenanigans at the NRA, because I had meetings with Alexandr Torshin and Mariia Butina—who is cuter in person, by the way; the photos don’t do her justice. That Spanish prosecutor said I should be worried about all the NRA stuff because, again, I broke the law. Oh, and as a principal with the Trump Org, I’ve laundered enough money to equal the GDP of a small African nation—one of those shit-hole countries I visit to shoot big game, because killing defenseless animals makes me feel like less of a limp-dicked bedwetter.

Look, dude, I know I’m going to get busted, which is why I’ve been doing so much blow lately, so if you could hurry this along before my heart explodes? Like, if you could arrest me later in the summer, I’d love it.

Paul Manafort

Greetings from the hoosegow! Yeah, I was convicted on eight counts and then some. Not gonna lie, prison is no picnic, but at least Oleg Deripaska can’t get me in here. That motherfucker is scarier than Putin, even! If you’re listening, OVD, I got you. The check is in the mail!

So, yeah, I’m basically a mobster, and I’ve been owned by the Russians for years. I fucked shit up in Ukraine, which put me in good standing with Putin, and then they sent me to work with their other American property, Donald Trump—who, by the way, I’ve known for decades. Did you know I had an apartment in Trump Tower? We go way back. I’m no coffee boy.

What I did as campaign manager is, basically, I took data collected from all over the place, legally from the RNC, but also illegally from our boy Zuck at Facebook, and those nerds at Cambridge Analytica, and I funneled it over to my boy Konstantin Kilimnik. He’s a Russian intelligence operative, specializing in—you’re not gonna believe it—elections. So he knew exactly what to do with the data I was secretly and very illegally giving him. Yeah, he worked with me so closely in 2016, he was basically running the campaign from Eastern Europe. (I’m sure various intelligence services can confirm this, because we used WhatsApp a lot, but thanks to “sources and methods,” Mueller couldn’t say—we caught a break there!)

On the campaign, we took all our cues from KonKil, and what do you know? We won the swing states by a few votes here, a few votes there, nothing “sus” about that at all. (I learned that word from this guy on Cellblock D. He says he’s a Latin King, but he’s not even Catholic).

But you are Republicans, my fine friends, so you don’t have a problem with Russians running American campaigns, and also hacking into voting machines, and also cheating. Phew!

Roger Stone

I was Paul Manafort’s partner for years. Business partner, not sex partner! Although I’m not one to kink shame. We had a consulting firm that helped out foreign dictators, mostly. So all of the money coming in—like, every last dime—was dirtier than the bedsheets after one of my orgies.

I’ve been pals with Donald for decades. We’re tight. Dude can party. I was his campaign adviser when he first decided to run for president, back in 1988, after his first visit to Moscow. And I’ve been “advising” him ever since.

In 2016, I was more of an informal advisor, because Paulie thought I was too toxic to work on a campaign in which two of the three campaign managers were subsequently indicted. Also, we had to set it up that way because, as Steve Bannon explained in his statement to the federales, I was the point man between the Trump campaign and WikiLeaks—which is, by the way, a cut-out for Russian intelligence. No, really, it is. If you’re still dumb enough to believe Julian Assange is some sort of legit journalistic hero, then hey, you’re voting for Trump regardless, am I right? Sorry, Cassandra, I didn’t mean to break your heart; we’ll always have Fort Lauderdale.

Let me say that again: the Trump campaign was in coordination with Russian intelligence. I know this, because I was the liaison. Sometimes I’d send the unfunny comedian to meet with J-Ass, or the dipshit who writes the conspiracy books, but bottom line: yes, absolutely, there was coordination between the Trump campaign and Russia. It isn’t legally collusion, of course, just like it isn’t legally treason, because those terms have very specific legal meanings that we try to exploit to confuse you, but it’s basically collusion. And also treason.

I know so much shit about Trump, he basically had no choice but to commute my sentence. Thing is, as that Glenn Kirschner guy pointed out, pardons are executive orders that could theoretically be rescinded, especially when they’re egregiously corrupt like mine was. So please vote Trump so I don’t have to go to prison. Thanks!

Reince Priebus

Everyone has forgotten that I was the chair of the RNC when the Russians hacked our servers and stole all our emails and data, right? And that I broke a law or two as White House Chief of Staff?

Kirstjen Nielsen

Everyone has forgotten that the refugee children were separated from their parents and put in cages under my watch, right?

Eric Trump

I bilked my own cancer charity. Because my father told me to, and I’m the Ado Annie of the Trump family, I just cain’t…say…no.

Steve Bannon

Из-за обвинения у меня была напряженная неделя. Не успел подготовиться. У меня не было времени перевести свои реплики с русского оригинала. Мои извинения, товарищ.

Kellyanne Conway

I ask that you please respect my family’s privacy at this difficult time, even though my appearance at this ridiculous charade is so shameful to my children that my daughter now wants to be emancipated from me. And, hell, I don’t blame her.

The truth is, I’d rather you talked about my family—even my grandfather, the notorious Philly mobster—than the fact that I was in cahoots with Steve Bannon. I’m very, very nervous about what that drunk asshole might tell the authorities.

Do you think I’m here because I like Trump? I never liked Trump. I was a Ted Cruz gal. Trump is a buffoon, and every word my husband tweets about him is true. So why am I here? Could it be that I don’t have a choice? What’s the line from Godfather II about how they pull you back in?

Rudy Giuliani

You used to like me after 9/11. Remember that? Yeah, that was smoke and mirrors. The situation in Lower Manhattan was as bad as it was because I fucked up so royally in disaster prep. Please don’t tell my kids, or the families of the firemen who died. I’d also rather not talk about how I knew about the Comey memo in advance.

I hate Trump! Hate him! He’s such a stunod! But I’m forced to defend him, because, even though I have dirt on him, he also has dirt on me. It’s like my own private Sartre play. “Sartre” rhymes with “fart,” and that’s something Donald does all the fucking time.

What kind of dirt does he got on me, you ask? Let’s just say it’s not a coincidence which mobsters I chose to put away as DA, and which ones I let slide.

I’ve spent a lot of time in Ukraine these last few years, manufacturing dirt on Joe Biden. It’s all bullshit, but that’s my job now, throwing feces around like a caged ape. It’s also how I make all of my money.

Also: Hunter Biden is innocent, you morons. Here’s a subway token—buy a fucking clue.

Sen. Lindsey Graham

If I don’t support Trump, the Russians will release the kompromat they have on me, and it’s bad.

Sen. Ron Johnson

If I don’t support Trump, the Russians will release the kompromat they have on me, and it’s bad.

Sen. Rand Paul

If I don’t support Trump, the Russians will release the kompromat they have on me, and it’s bad.

Sen. Tom Cotton

If I don’t support Trump, the Russians will release the kompromat they have on me, and it’s bad.

Sen. Marco Rubio

If I don’t support Trump, the Russians will release the kompromat they have on me, and it’s bad. Actually, it’s not even that bad. I’m just a spineless wussbag.

Sen. Ted Cruz

If I don’t support Trump, the Russians will release the kompromat they have on me, and OH BOY is it bad.

Sen. Mitch McConnell

If I don’t support Trump, the Chinese will release the kompromat they have on me, and it’s bad.

Sen. Marsha Blackburn

I actually do support Trump, like for real, because I have the IQ of a febrile dwarf hamster.

Kanye West

It is a complete coincidence that I was tens of millions of dollars in debt, and then I was suddenly not in debt anymore, and once I was back in the black, I started wearing a MAGA hat and meeting with Jared Kushner to talk about how I could play spoiler candidate in the election.

What’s that? I’m not allowed to lie? Aww, come on…

Jared Kushner

Like my father-in-law, I’ve basically been institutionalized my entire life. My family, including my felon father Charles Kushner, protected me, and now the White House does. Pretty sweet, right?

Did you know my family is close personal friends with Bibi Netanyahu? It’s true. He used to stay in our house when he visited the States. I know nasty criminals from lots of countries! It’s kind of my thing.

I could sit here and list all the laws I’ve broken, but honestly, it would take too long. They only gave me a few minutes to speak. But I’ll give it a whirl: I lied on my SF-86 form, three times. Oops! I met with Russians all through the campaign, the transition, and the presidency, covertly, and I mixed official business with my own family’s business. Again: oops! I gave my BFF MBS a list of suspected traitors in his midst—how was I to know he’d round them up and put them in the clink? I knew MBS was going to hit Jamal Khashoggi, but I didn’t do anything about it, because it’s not like Jamal was going to refinance my debt on 666 Fifth Avenue. When the Qataris refused to help me with my family’s loan, I pushed for a blockade. That’s right, I used US policy to attempt to coerce them to give my business a loan!

And yes, I exploited the global health crisis to enrich my friends and my own business interests. I stockpiled PPE and refused to give them to the states—and when I did give them ventilators, they were Russian, and they didn’t work. Heck, even when savvy governors like Cuomo made their own deals, I scuttled those deals. I made sure my friends knew when Donald was planning on saying some crazy shit about Goodyear or Kodak or whatever, in advance, because one thing I learned in business school is that it helps to know beforehand if stock prices will rise or fall. Oh, and I kibboshed the plan my own team came up with to help stop the spread of covid-19, because I figured it would be better for me, politically, if people in blue states died in vast numbers—especially if they are Black.

Seriously, I’m the biggest piece of shit in this entire administration—and that’s saying something!—and if they get me for espionage, which they probably could because of the stuff with MBS and Qatar, I may wind up on death row. Four more years!

Ivanka Trump

Everything Junior did, and everything Jared did, I also did. Plus: I laundered money for the Iranian National Guard through a boondoggle in Baku. It is shaped like the buttplug that Jared wears. It’s our little inside joke. Get it? Inside joke?

My father is a legal resident of Florida, and I’m a legal resident of New York, so I’m eligible to be his vice president, should something befall Mike Pence in the next few months. Wink wink nudge nudge.

My father will do literally anything I command. All I have to do is give him a lap dance. Vote for him so I can rule forever as your queen.

VP Mike Pence

I am a liar and a crook. I use my religion as a shield to cover my abject awfulness. I am terrified of debating Kamala Harris. Women scare me.

The Russians put their mob asset Paul Manafort in charge of the campaign, and Paulie Ostrich Coat made sure to put me on the ticket. He even concocted a scheme to ground the Trump plane for the night in Indianapolis, so the Trumps could meet Mother and me. Why do you think Putin’s guy went to such great lengths to install Mike Pence? Because he knew he could control me like I was one of those drones.

I have been in the loop since Day One. I knew about Flynn, I knew about the Russians, I knew about all the dirty dealings and the insider trading, and I knew about the willful neglect of the pandemic response, to make money and kill Democrats. I knew it all, and I did nothing. This is why I have no choice but to obey. MAGA!

And now, ladies and gentlemen—and only ladies and gentlemen, because I don’t recognize non-binary genders—the President of the United States!

Pres. Donald John Trump

Thank you, Mike. I—

Vladimir Putin

Shut the fuck up, Donnie. You’re out of your element!

Motherboy clearly said the “President of the United States.” That is not you. You are my slave. Smart Americans know this. Foolish Americans believe you are alpha male. You, alpha male? Hahahahaha. You spent ten years saying You’re fired on idiot show but lack courage to say that to a man’s face. What big man you are! Hahahaha.

My subject Americans: Trumpov has done great job these last four years, sowing chaos, dismantling your beloved institutions, sucking up to dictators, pissing off your allies, weakening your economy, stealing as much money as possible from your treasury, and now, thanks to his shit pandemic response, actively killing you! And yet a third of you are willing to die a painful death on ventilator to “own the libs”—whatever that means.

Let me close with this, my fat, lazy Americans: if you vote for Trumpov just one more time, I promise you, as your imperial overlord, that you will never, ever have to vote again. Isn’t voting a pain in the neck? Wouldn’t you rather not bother? If Trump wins, I swear, you can just eat your fast food on your reclining couch and watch new Mark Burnett show about me and never have to take time from your busy day to cast vote!

спасибо и благослови бог Америку!

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