How It Started / How It’s Going: Trump Edition

What have we learned about the President and his associates these last four years?

WHILE WE NEVER get a second chance to make a first impression, the reality is that, despite what Malcolm Gladwell may have told you, first impressions are often highly misleading. Nowhere is this more obvious than when we apply last week’s hottest meme to various Trump associates, and think back to how it started four years ago…and how it’s going now.

Jared Kushner

How It Started: The “Boy Wonder” whose visionary social media genius won Trump the presidency will be a Voice of Reason in the West Wing.

How It’s Going: Pale rider, bringer of the Blue State Genocide.

Tiffany Trump

How It Started: The only one of the president’s adult children with the class and savvy to stay out of the spotlight. Maybe she’s the source for the tax documents leaked to the Times?

How It’s Going: As her involvement with “Rich Kids of Instagram” should have made clear, she’s embarrassingly devoid of self-awareness, which is why they’ve kept her in mothballs until this week.

Rod Rosenstein

How It Started: White hat who sicced Bobby Three Sticks on Trump.

How It’s Going: Sniveling weasel who led us to believe Mueller was independent, when in fact he was held back a million different ways. Also, is cool with separating parents from children. Like, really cool with it. Like, Hague-level cool with it.

Hostile Foreign Powers

How It Started: Trump is owned by Russia.

How It’s Going: Trump is owned by Russia. And China. And Turkey. And Israel. And Egypt. And Saudi Arabia. And the UAE. So many foreign governments have purchased shares of Trump, in fact, that there’s not enough of him to go around. He’s like if The Producers were the president—right down to the Nazis.

Kevin Spacey

How It Started: Frank Underwood is such a great character, and House of Cards is such a fun show. It’d be a shame if it were…

How It’s Going: Canceled.

Rush Limbaugh

How It Started: One of the worst Americans of all time, this hateful loudmouth is a cancer on the republic.

How It’s Going: One of the worst Americans of all time, this hateful loudmouth is dying of cancer. (Or so he claims. Are we sure he’s not faking it, as he once accused Michael J. Fox of exaggerating Parkinson’s?)

Masks

How It Started: Remember in that movie Contagion when everyone started wearing them? That was creepy.

How It’s Going: Put your fucking mask on, Matt Damon.

Alan Dershowitz

How It Started: Harvard law professor made it his life’s work to get off the nastiest criminals.

How It’s Going: Harvard law professor made it his life’s work to get off while visiting the lavish properties of the nastiest criminals. (Or, if you believe Dersh and not his accusers, he kept his underwear on at Epstein’s, but sunbathed nude at Martha’s Vineyard, which totally makes sense).

Mark Burnett

How It Started: Notorious producer who gave us the reality shows Survivor and The Apprentice, thus making TV demonstrably worse.

How It’s Going: Notorious producer who gave us the reality show president Donald John Trump, thus making the country demonstrably worse.

Ice Cube

How It Started: Straight Outta Compton.

How It’s Going: Straight outta his mind.

Rudy Giuliani

How It Started: America’s Mayor.

How It’s Going: Borat’s bitch.

Brad Parscale

How It Started: So good at his job he has multiple million-dollar condos, a beachfront manse in Fort Lauderdale, and a Ferrari.

How It’s Going: Intoxicated, in cuffs, and in tears because his wife won’t boink him.

Lindsey Graham

How It Started: Bosom friend of John McCain speaks the truth when it comes to Trump.

How It’s Going: Trump’s hostage. We still don’t know the nature of the kompromat—although I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that when Lady G goes to an Afghani restaurant, he orders the bacha bazi.

Michael Avenatti

How It Started:

How It’s Going:

Ivanka Trump

How It Started: Hot enough to attract the attention of British superspy Christopher Steele.

How It’s Going: Maybe Steele had other, less amorous reasons for wanting to take this soulless monument to plastic surgery to dinner?

High School

How It Started: “School sucks. I wish we could just stay home.”

How It’s Going: “Zoom school sucks. I wish we could go back to school.”

Steve Bannon

How It Started: Drunk Nazi.

How It’s Going: Drunk Nazi under indictment.

Osama bin Laden

How It Started: Mastermind of worst-ever terrorist attack on U.S. soil, shot dead at President Obama’s command by Seal Team Six.

How It’s Going: Obama actually took out his body double, not the real UBL, and Joe Biden ordered the execution of Seal Team Six to preserve the secret, and also bin Laden was framed—at least, that’s what QAnon says. Oh, and his niece is MAGA. That part’s actually true.

Mark Zuckerberg

How It Started: “I’m the CEO, bitch!”

How It’s Going: “You know what’s cool? A hundred and eleven billion dollars. You know what’s not cool? Betraying your country and selling your soul to get it.”

Donald John Trump

How It Started: Successful businessman and self-made billionaire is gonna drain the swamp and Make America Great Again.

How It’s Going: Mob money launderer. Rat. Reprobate. One-termer. Loser.

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