Meet the Defendants!

A Georgia Indictment (Non-Legal) Who's Who

Fani Willis came through. The Fulton County district attorney promised that the Trump indictments would come in August, and lo, last night, indictments dropped on FPOTUS and his co-conspirators like anvils in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Initial reports said that there would be ten indictments returned by the grand jury, but once the document was made public, a whopping nineteen individuals were charged with VIOLATION OF THE GEORGIA RICO (RACKETEER INFLUENCED AND CORRUPT ORGANIZATIONS) ACT, O.C.G.A. 16-14-4(c). This is the sort of statute typically reserved for participants in an organized crime operation—which, as I’ve been writing for years, is exactly what Trump and his accomplices are.

In addition to the nineteen under indictment, there is also mention in the novella-length document of “unindicted co-conspirators Individual 1 through Individual 30.” That’s 49 humans unlawfully conspiring and endeavoring to conduct and participate in a criminal enterprise in the state of Georgia. There are some glaring omissions. Off the top of my head, I can think of two figures intimately involved with Trump’s “perfect” phone call whose names are not in the indictment. One is a U.S. Senator from South Carolina. The other is besties with Ginni Thomas. It will be interesting, in the days to come, to determine why those two in particular were spared.

I have been away for two weeks, with my mind occupied on non-Trump-crime-related topics. Also, I am not a lawyer, did not go to law school, and will not pretend to be well versed in RICO law in Georgia, or anywhere else. Not only that, but I was planning to write about something else this morning. However, the Georgia indictments trump—ahem—the half-finished PREVAIL takedown of Tommy Tuberville that will have to wait until next week.

Are you scratching your head, trying to remember who some of these criminal defendants are? Well, you can give that scalp a rest. In the interest of jogging my own memory as well as yours, I present a non-legal Who’s Who of the major Trump criminal defendants in Georgia:

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Rudy Giuliani

Mayor of New York during 9/11. Active participant in Trump’s fuckery in Ukraine. Borat Subsequent Moviefilm headliner. Alleged rapist and drunk. Four Seasons Total Asshole. I covered him in detail last week.

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Mark Meadows

Trump’s final White House Chief of Staff. Tall, distinguished-looking fellow. Cassidy Hutchinson’s boss. Disappeared in the bushes giving an impromptu press conference. Disappeared in the proverbial bushes during the first three indictments. Uncharged but alleged voting fraudster. Per Hugo Lowell on my podcast, Meadows only got the job because he floated to K Street consulting outfits that he was being considered for it, and word got out to such an extent that, with few other willing options, Trump hired him. His is a real-life tale of making a wish on the cursed monkey’s claw.

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John Eastman

Reactionary law professor not much liked by his students, who found him a dinosaur. Author of the infamous “Kamala Harris is not a U.S. citizen” lie published in Newsweek. The supposed intellectual in the gaggle of clown attorneys whose cockamamie legal notions Trump entertained after losing the election. During his appearance before the January 6 Committee, took the Fifth an unholy number of times, usually just spitting out the single word, “Fifth,” with such venomous contempt that it is now a running joke on The Five 8.

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Kenneth Chesebro

Anakin Skywalker to Laurence Tribe’s Obi-Wan Kenobi, Chesebro went to the Dark Side, writing the legal memo that sparked the entire insurrection attempt. I have never seen his photograph, and I’m not entirely convinced this isn’t some jokey pen name; “Chesebro” is close to “Cheesehead,” which is what a fan of the Green Bay Packers is called, and one of the coup subplots was nicknamed the Green Bay Sweep. I guess he’ll have to show his face when he surrenders to police in Georgia, which he and all of his co-defendants must do by the 25th of this month. (Talk about Christmas in August!)

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Sidney Powell

The Kraken lady with the Southern drawl, the bad sweaters, and the cans of Diet Dr. Pepper. She represented the traitor Mike Flynn and is being sued by Dominion for defamation. Even the other insurrectionists thought she had a screw loose.

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Jeffrey Clark

Weaselly, sad-faced former acting attorney general arrested by federal agents in his underwear.

Clark: from legal briefs to boxer briefs. From bodycam footage obtained by CNN.

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Mike Roman

Dirty trickster political operative and oppo researcher—a fourth-rate Roger Stone—formerly employed by the Kochs. If this were Scandal, he’d be the character who always wears shades and pops up every third episode in the Rosslyn parking garage with a flash drive and a burner phone.

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Trevian Kutti

She did PR for R. Kelly and is tight with Kanye West. She’s the one who tried to strong-arm Ruby Freeman, showing up at her house and making vague threats of violence. Per WaPo:

According to court filings, Kutti told Freeman in a Jan. 4, 2021, meeting that “an armed squad” of federal officers would approach Freeman and her family within 48 hours and that she was there to offer help by connecting her to “very high-profile people that can make particular things happen … in order to defend yourself and your family.” Kutti allegedly warned Freeman that she was “a loose end for a party that needs to tidy up” and said that if she refused Kutti’s help that her “freedom and the freedom of one or more of your family members” would be disrupted, according to court filings citing police body-camera video.

And, last but not least:

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Jenna Ellis

Self-styled “constitutional law attorney” with the blonde hair who was a fixture on Fox News before joining the Trump legal team. She was so close to Giuliani during the last few years of Trump’s presidency that she (apparently) caught covid from his pathogenic flatulence—a moment immortalized on videotape. Jenna Ellis: huffer of Rudy farts.

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In summary, Willis did not disappoint. As “FAFO” stands for “Fuck Around, Find Out,” it seems that “FANI” is short for “Fuck Around, Nineteen Indicted.”

Whether Donald goes to prison is anyone’s guess. But we can safely say FPOTUS will spend the rest of his miserable life dealing with the consequences of his illicit actions. And with so many of his attorneys in legal hot water, and his finances in peril, why would anyone halfway decent represent him? And as I’m sure most of planet earth knows, if Trump is convicted on state charges in Georgia, he is ineligible for a presidential pardon.

Four indictments, in four separate jurisdictions, is nothing to sneeze at. It’s early, but the Georgia indictment may well be the removed wooden block that causes the entire Jenga tower of Trump criminality to collapse.

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Photo credit: Chunk. Still shot of Sidney Powell from the opening credits of “The Five 8,” which returns this Friday!