As the daughter of a Sylvia Plath era mother and a Ted Hughes era dad who never touched a diaper until we handed him a baby grandchild and went out to dinner, during which hour or two he had his younger second wife do most of the work .. and was standing at the door literally signaling SOS when we got back ... I can only say that the fact that that whole generation of mothers didn't go mad (not to mention the mothers in all preceding generations) is a testament to something evolutionary and so far unidentified by science.
Yes, Nina, the realities of motherhood, especially taking care of a newborn, were so shocking to me that I felt like I left my body and inhabited someone else's body. Total transformation from the life I had been living.
Many years ago I once wrote a paper for a child psychology class and the professor choose to read it to the class and give me an A +. After class 40 some women threatened to throw me off the 2 story balcony.
That was also, if I remember correctly from birthing class, the "these men OBGYNs know more than you silly women" phase of medicine where they encouraged c-sections and ample anesthesia.
In labor I realized I didn't own my body. I was swept away by a hurricane. When it was finally over and my son was lying on my belly crying, I said, "I was scared too. No one is ever going to send you to war."
"Boarded the train there’s no getting off." Boy does that resonate. When I was in transition with my second, I firmly decided that I was going to go home. Someone else could have this baby. I tried pretty violently to get up--the nurses had to hold me down.
I've had "I want to die" pain with kidney stones. Men try to say that kidney stone pain is comparable to giving birth. No way, no how.
Delighted, however, that those nurses made me stick around. The results were awesome, and about to show up for a Mothers Day celebration.
I often find myself muttering that last line under my breath when some scary thing is in motion that I have to do, but nothing could ever be as scary as THAT.
I marvel often at humanity’s capacity for partitioning the mind to hold thoughts in one compartment that are incompatible and out of sync with truths we accept in another. I can’t understand how misogynists and patriarchal leaders can know that they came from mothers, and generally love their daughters, and yet view women as property or grant them fewer rights than the fetuses they carry, but we’ve observed it over the millennia. I agree that we men can’t really fathom motherhood, but how can we not respect and be in awe of it?
All this misogynistic stuff is almost always done, too, with the stated purpose of helping women, or keeping them safe. There was a great thread some years ago, where a woman responded to a man who was saying he'd do anything to protect his family. He was one of the 2A, Rambo types. She was like, "Yeah? How about some laundry?" and then went into this list of things that he could do that would alleviate more harm than shooting some phantom intruder. One of the best-ever Twitter threads.
I think it was bell hooks who said “if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.” Greg, you are a trailblazer among men, showing your peers how to listen to women. You and my beloved sons give me hope for a future of gender equality.
And a brilliant human. I wonder if things would have been different for her if she'd been born 20 years later. I feel like she was a bit too ahead of her time.
As the daughter of a Sylvia Plath era mother and a Ted Hughes era dad who never touched a diaper until we handed him a baby grandchild and went out to dinner, during which hour or two he had his younger second wife do most of the work .. and was standing at the door literally signaling SOS when we got back ... I can only say that the fact that that whole generation of mothers didn't go mad (not to mention the mothers in all preceding generations) is a testament to something evolutionary and so far unidentified by science.
Yes, Nina, the realities of motherhood, especially taking care of a newborn, were so shocking to me that I felt like I left my body and inhabited someone else's body. Total transformation from the life I had been living.
Many years ago I once wrote a paper for a child psychology class and the professor choose to read it to the class and give me an A +. After class 40 some women threatened to throw me off the 2 story balcony.
Title of paper:
Childbirth is Un-Natural.
Maybe if you had titled it, "Childbirth is Naturally Painful" you would have gotten a better response! I'm glad you lived to tell the tale.
You were writing clickbait articles before clicks were a thing, Cal.
You get so much help at the hospital, but once you're home, you're suddenly on your own...
And also the constant support from the OB/GYN which completely disappears once the baby is born.
Very true.
That was also, if I remember correctly from birthing class, the "these men OBGYNs know more than you silly women" phase of medicine where they encouraged c-sections and ample anesthesia.
This is a really great essay, Greg. Thanks so much. Your mom must be very proud of you.
Thanks, McLain!
The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.
— de Balzac
What a great line.
In labor I realized I didn't own my body. I was swept away by a hurricane. When it was finally over and my son was lying on my belly crying, I said, "I was scared too. No one is ever going to send you to war."
Wow what a great piece. Thanks to your mom for gifting the world such a witty talented insightful writer.
Thanks, Sally!
"Boarded the train there’s no getting off." Boy does that resonate. When I was in transition with my second, I firmly decided that I was going to go home. Someone else could have this baby. I tried pretty violently to get up--the nurses had to hold me down.
I've had "I want to die" pain with kidney stones. Men try to say that kidney stone pain is comparable to giving birth. No way, no how.
Delighted, however, that those nurses made me stick around. The results were awesome, and about to show up for a Mothers Day celebration.
I often find myself muttering that last line under my breath when some scary thing is in motion that I have to do, but nothing could ever be as scary as THAT.
I hope you had a lovely Mother's Day, Susan.
I spent years doing obstetrical anesthesia and always said if men had to get pregnant and give birth the human race would have died out millennia ago.
Ha! And: very true. Thanks, John.
I live in space 9
I marvel often at humanity’s capacity for partitioning the mind to hold thoughts in one compartment that are incompatible and out of sync with truths we accept in another. I can’t understand how misogynists and patriarchal leaders can know that they came from mothers, and generally love their daughters, and yet view women as property or grant them fewer rights than the fetuses they carry, but we’ve observed it over the millennia. I agree that we men can’t really fathom motherhood, but how can we not respect and be in awe of it?
All this misogynistic stuff is almost always done, too, with the stated purpose of helping women, or keeping them safe. There was a great thread some years ago, where a woman responded to a man who was saying he'd do anything to protect his family. He was one of the 2A, Rambo types. She was like, "Yeah? How about some laundry?" and then went into this list of things that he could do that would alleviate more harm than shooting some phantom intruder. One of the best-ever Twitter threads.
Boy, he needed taking down a peg or two, and she delivered
I think it was bell hooks who said “if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.” Greg, you are a trailblazer among men, showing your peers how to listen to women. You and my beloved sons give me hope for a future of gender equality.
Thank you, Abby!
She is by a mile my favorite poet. She shared her anguish in such a relatable way.
And a brilliant human. I wonder if things would have been different for her if she'd been born 20 years later. I feel like she was a bit too ahead of her time.
https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/story/2024-05-09/mothers-day-gift-guide-reproductive-rights-paid-parental-leave-federally-funded-daycare
Thank you, Greg & I’m glad I read this after brunch, which was very nice…
Thanks for another Sunday lesson, the type of lesson that is welcome, insightful and appreciated.