Popcorn Gif

Notes on the Georgia indictment + the return of "The Five 8"

I go by them goon rules—
If you can’t beat ‘em, then you pop ‘em,
You can’t man ‘em, then you mop ‘em,
You can’t stand ‘em, then you drop ‘em,
You pop ‘em, cuz we pop ‘em
Like Orville Redenbacher.

—Lil Wayne, “A Milli”

When the Georgia grand jury returned its indictment on Monday night, Donald John Trump had already been indicted three times: once by Alvin Bragg in Manhattan, twice by Jack Smith, in Florida and D.C.—and that doesn’t count the superseding indictment (which is technically an amended existing indictment and not a new one). It’s not like the prospect of another FPOTUS arraignment was some novelty.

But something feels different this time. Folks on social media have been tweeting popcorn gifs for seven years now, as shorthand for their delight in watching the guilty Trump squirm, but Monday, it seems to me, was the first moment truly worthy of Orville Redenbacher.

For one thing, the crimes, as Fani Willis had been hinting at for months, were extreme. Even I was surprised when I read the document. The ticky-tacky Stormy Daniels hush money charge this is not. I mean, these two paragraphs are fire, as the kids say:

At all times relevant to this Count of the Indictment, the Defendants, as well as others not named as defendants, unlawfully conspired and endeavored to conduct and participate in criminal enterprise in Fulton County, Georgia, and elsewhere. Defendants Donald John Trump, Rudolph William Louis Giuliani, John Charles Eastman, Mark Randall Meadows, Kenneth John Chesebro, Jeffrey Bossert Clark, Jenna Lynn Ellis, Ray Stallings Smith III, Robert David Cheeley, Michael A. Roman, David James Shafer, Shawn Micah Tresher Still, Stephen Cliffgard Lee, Harrison William Prescott Floyd, Trevian C. Kutti, Sidney Katherine Powell, Cathleen Alston Latham, Scott Graham Hall, Misty Hampton, unindicted co-conspirators Individual through Individual 30, and others known and unknown to the Grand Jury, constituted a criminal organization whose members and associates engaged in various related criminal activities including, but not limited to, false statements and writings, impersonating public officer, forgery, filing false documents, influencing witnesses, computer theft, computer trespass, computer invasion of privacy, conspiracy to defraud the state, acts involving theft, and perjury.

This criminal organization constituted an enterprise as that term is defined in O.C.G.A. § 6-14-3(3), that is, group of individuals associated in fact. The Defendants and other members and associates of the enterprise had connections and relationships with one another and with the enterprise. The enterprise constituted an ongoing organization whose members and associates functioned as continuing unit for common purpose of achieving the objectives of the enterprise. The enterprise operated in Fulton County, Georgia, elsewhere in the State of Georgia, in other states, including, but not limited to, Arizona, Michigan, Nevada, New Mexico, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin, and in the District of Columbia. The enterprise operated for period of time sufficient to permit its members and associates to pursue its objectives.

There have been Trump towers and Trump golf courses and Trump universities and Trump hotels and Trump casinos and Trump vodka and Trump steaks and Trump neckties. Now there is—formally, for real, in a court of fucking law—a Trump criminal organization. (For once, the branding fits!) That’s yooge.

But then, Willful Retention of National Defense Information, 18 U.S.C. § 793(e), is nothing to sneeze at, either. The Espionage Act ain’t failure to yield.

No, what makes the Georgia indictment different is the 18 other criminal defendants and the 30 unindicted co-conspirators. It wasn’t just Trump who had the book thrown at him on Monday night. It was disgraced scumbag Rudy Giuliani, arrogant asshole John Eastman, batshit fabulist Sidney Powell, pathetic boxer-briefed Jeffrey Clark, complete dipshit Mark Meadows, fart-huffing Jenna Ellis, and a dozen others besides. No one really gives a crap what happens to Trump’s sad little houseboy Waltine Nauta. But those traitors? That’s a whole other stratum.

Melt the butter! Shake out the salt!

If the staid Kenneth Chesebro can be indicted, along with all those other lawyers, what insulates any J.D. on Trump’s payroll from potential legal exposure down the line? It’s the old joke from the Mueller days: “MAGA” stands for “Making Attorneys Get Attorneys.” Enough bricks have been shat out in Trumpland this past week to build the fucking border wall.

A week from today is the deadline for all of the indicted individuals to surrender to Georgia authorities. And this won’t be the Jack Smith kid glove treatment. Mugshots will be taken. Height and weight will be published. (Do the online gambling outfits have an over/under on Trump’s weight? Can we bet on this? What is the purpose of legalized gambling if we can’t?) Trump has managed to control the optics for the first indictments, presenting as a tough guy, as a MAGA martyr. Not this time. There will be cameras in the courtroom—suck it, John Roberts—so everyone, not just the handful of reporters inside, will be able to watch him sweat.

There is also a non-zero chance that Trump will turn tail and flee. I don’t think he will; he is a homebody old man who likes his omelet bar and well-done burgers too much to leave. But from a literary point of view, there’s no better way for this story to end than with FPOTUS taking up residence in Moscow (and for his diehard disciples to continue to insist that there was no collusion, even as he’s golfcarting around the Kremlin).

I have no idea what might happen next. Anything is possible. Unlike The Apprentice, this is reality TV at its finest.

Get the popcorn ready!

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PROGRAMMING NOTE:

The Five 8 returns tonight after a short hiatus with our Season Premiere! If you can’t watch, please subscribe to our YouTube channel. Just click the link and push the JOIN button. It’s free!

For our members—$1.99 cover charge—there will be an Afterhours after the regular show:

The PREVAIL podcast returns next Friday.

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Photo credit: The end of “Real Genius,” one of the greatest films of all time.